Nothing breaks the ice quite like a wedding toast that makes everyone chuckle. Sure, heartfelt speeches have their place, but sometimes you need something that gets the whole room laughing instead of crying into their champagne.
After years of watching best men stumble through Shakespeare quotes and maids of honor get overly sentimental, I’ve learned that the best toasts are the ones that make people smile.
Here are 50 wedding toast quotes that’ll have your guests laughing—and maybe save you from those awkward silences that happen when Uncle Bob tries to wing it.
Classic One-Liners That Never Fail
These tried-and-true quips work for any crowd. They’re clean enough for grandma but clever enough to get a genuine laugh from everyone else.
- “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” This Groucho Marx classic gets groans and giggles in equal measure. It’s perfect for the toast-giver who wants to acknowledge marriage’s challenges without getting too deep.
- “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” Short, sweet, and surprisingly accurate. This one works especially well if you’ve watched the couple navigate their first apartment lease together.
- “Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.” Honest? Absolutely. Romantic? Debatable. Funny? Every married person in the room will be nodding along.
- “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person—or at least pretending to.” The twist at the end catches people off guard and usually gets the biggest laugh.
- “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.” This one’s a crowd-pleaser because it builds to the punchline perfectly.
For the Couple Who Loves Self-Deprecating Humor
Some couples thrive on poking fun at themselves. If you’re toasting people who can laugh at their own quirks, these quotes hit just right.
- “They say when you marry someone, you marry their whole family. Congratulations on your new in-laws—may God have mercy on your souls.” This works especially well if the families are already joking around together.
- “Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Mission accomplished, you two.” It’s personal enough to feel tailored but universal enough that everyone gets it.
- “Love is telling someone their hair looks nice when it really doesn’t. Marriage is not having to say anything at all.” Couples who’ve been together a while will appreciate the brutal honesty here.
- “A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. Clearly, one of you is delusional.” The pause after “delusional” usually gets people laughing before they can stop themselves.
- “Marriage is basically agreeing to spend your life with someone who will steal your fries and leave you the weird-shaped pasta pieces.” This one resonates with anyone who’s ever shared a meal with a long-term partner.
Gentle Roasts for Close Friends
When you know the couple well enough to lovingly mock them, these quotes let you tease without crossing lines.
- “I’ve watched [Name] go through many phases, but [Partner’s name] is definitely the best one. The jury’s still out on whether they’re the final one.” This works when you’ve known one half of the couple for years.
- “They say opposites attract. Looking at you two, I’m convinced someone was very, very attracted to someone else’s Netflix password.” Perfect for couples with obviously different interests or lifestyles.
- “[Name] finally found someone who laughs at their jokes. [Partner’s name], we’re all very grateful for your service.” This lands especially well if one person is known for their questionable sense of humor.
- “Marriage means never having to say you’re sorry—you just have to say ‘What did I do now?'” The delivery here is everything. Pause after “sorry” for maximum effect.
- “I always knew [Name] would settle down eventually. I just never thought anyone would be brave enough to settle down with them.” This playful jab works when the person being roasted has a good sense of humor about their quirks.
For the Couple Who Met Online
Modern romance deserves modern humor. These quotes acknowledge how many couples meet these days without making it weird.
- “They met online, which proves that sometimes the best connections happen when you lie about your height and use photos from five years ago.” This one gets knowing looks from basically everyone under 40.
- “Thanks to technology, love is just a swipe away. Thankfully, you two swiped right on each other and not on your credit cards at the bar.” It’s topical and relatable without being too specific.
- “They say there are plenty of fish in the sea. These two found each other in the dating app ocean, which is more like a kiddie pool full of piranhas.” The imagery here usually gets people laughing before the punchline even hits.
- “Online dating taught them that love is like Wi-Fi—sometimes you have to turn it off and on again, but when it works, it’s magic.” This tech metaphor works especially well for couples who work in tech or are very online.
- “Their love story started with a DM, which is basically the modern version of passing notes in class, except now you’re adults with mortgages.” The contrast between childhood innocence and adult reality gets a good chuckle.
Time-Tested Marriage Wisdom
These quotes sound like sage advice until the punchline hits. They’re perfect for adding some levity to what could otherwise be overly serious moments.
- “The secret to a happy marriage is simple: always remember who’s right, and when in doubt, refer to the first rule.” This one gets different reactions depending on who’s listening, which makes it even funnier.
- “Marriage is all about compromise. She wanted a cat, he wanted a dog, so they compromised and got a cat.” The predictable outcome makes it funnier, not less so.
- “A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers—and one person who’s really good at hiding the evidence.” This implies just enough mischief to be funny without being concerning.
- “In marriage, being right is less important than being happy. But being right AND happy? That’s just showing off.” The escalation here usually catches people off guard in the best way.
- “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” This old-school joke still lands because it’s so unexpectedly cynical.
For the Couple Who Took Their Time
Some couples date for years before tying the knot. These quotes celebrate their journey without making it sound like they were dragging their feet.
- “They’ve been together so long, I was starting to think this wedding was just a very elaborate rumor.” This works especially well if the couple has been engaged for a while.
- “After [number] years together, they’ve finally decided to make it official. I guess the seven-year warranty on their relationship was about to expire.” The warranty joke adds a modern twist to the traditional “finally” comment.
- “They say good things come to those who wait. At this rate, their marriage should be absolutely spectacular—or at least tax-deductible.” The practical punchline keeps it grounded.
- “Some people fall in love at first sight. These two took their time, did their research, and apparently decided the other person would do.” The matter-of-fact delivery makes this one land perfectly.
- “They’ve been together longer than some Hollywood marriages last, which isn’t saying much, but it’s something.” This pop culture reference usually gets knowing nods and chuckles.
Quick-Fire Funny Finishers
Sometimes you need a short, punchy quote that gets straight to the laugh. These work perfectly as the closing line of a longer toast.
- “Marriage: because someone has to take out the trash.”
- “Love is sharing your popcorn. Marriage is sharing your Netflix password.”
- “They’re perfect for each other, which is slightly concerning for the rest of us.”
- “May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old-fashioned enough to last forever—and may your WiFi never go down during an argument.”
- “Here’s to love, laughter, and happily ever after—or at least until someone forgets to take out the recycling.”
- “Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.”
- “Behind every successful marriage is a substantial emergency fund.”
- “May your marriage be everything your Facebook posts say it is.”
- “Love is grand, but divorce is about a hundred grand.”
- “Marriage is like a deck of cards: hearts and diamonds in the beginning, clubs and spades by the end.”
Wrapping It Up
The best wedding toasts feel personal but universal, heartfelt but not heavy. A good laugh at the end reminds everyone that marriage, despite its challenges, should be fun.
These quotes work because they acknowledge the reality of long-term relationships while celebrating the joy of choosing to stick together anyway.
Remember, timing is everything with humor. Read the room, know your audience, and don’t be afraid to pause for effect. The best wedding toast quote is the one that makes the couple smile and gets everyone else raising their glasses with genuine laughter.
