Your best man speech doesn’t need to be a comedy special, but a few well-placed one-liners can transform a decent speech into something genuinely memorable.
After watching countless best men either nail their moment or crash spectacularly, I’ve learned that the difference often comes down to having the right joke at the right time.
The secret isn’t being the funniest person in the room—it’s knowing your audience, reading the room, and having a arsenal of tested lines that actually land.
These 70 one-liners have been battle-tested at real weddings, from intimate backyard ceremonies to black-tie affairs where Great Aunt Margaret is judging your every word.
Opening Lines That Actually Work
Starting strong sets the tone for everything that follows. These openers acknowledge the elephant in the room—that everyone’s expecting you to be funny—while giving you a moment to find your footing.
- “For those who don’t know me, I’m [Groom’s name]’s best man, which means I’m legally required to embarrass him today, but not so much that [Bride’s name] changes her mind.”
- “I’ve known [Groom’s name] for [X] years, and I can honestly say that [Bride’s name] is the best thing that’s ever happened to him. The second best thing was meeting me, obviously.”
- “They say a best man speech should be like a mini-skirt—long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to keep everyone’s attention.”
- “I was going to start with a joke about marriage, but then I realized I’m the single guy giving relationship advice to people who figured it out.”
- “Public speaking terrifies me, but [Groom’s name] assured me that if I mess this up, at least it won’t be the worst thing that happens to him today.”
- “I’ve been preparing this speech for months, which is already more effort than [Groom’s name] put into planning the bachelor party.”
- “Before I start, I should mention that [Groom’s name] has asked me to keep this speech clean. So I’ve prepared two versions—this one, and the one you’ll hear at the after-party.”
- “Standing here today, I’m reminded that [Groom’s name] and I have been through everything together—except apparently, speech writing lessons.”
- “I promise to keep this shorter than [Groom’s name]’s dating history, which shouldn’t be too difficult.”
- “When [Groom’s name] asked me to be his best man, I was honored. When he told me I had to give a speech, I was terrified. When I saw the open bar, I was ready.”
Roasting the Groom (Lovingly)
The art of the gentle roast is what separates amateur best men from the pros. These lines poke fun without drawing blood, and they work because they come from a place of genuine affection.
- “[Groom’s name] is the kind of guy who reads the instruction manual for everything—except apparently, how to propose, because that took him three tries.”
- “I’ve seen [Groom’s name] cry three times: when his team lost the championship, when he watched Marley & Me, and when he saw the wedding budget.”
- “[Groom’s name] always said he’d never get married until he found someone who could beat him at video games. Turns out, he just needed to find someone who would unplug the console.”
- “They say opposites attract, which explains why [Groom’s name], who takes an hour to choose a sandwich, fell for [Bride’s name], who booked their honeymoon in five minutes.”
- “[Groom’s name] is so organized, he color-codes his socks. [Bride’s name] is so laid-back, she didn’t realize they were dating until he introduced her as his girlfriend.”
- “I know [Groom’s name] is nervous today because he’s been practicing his vows in the mirror for weeks. I can tell because his reflection filed a restraining order.”
- “[Groom’s name] once spent two hours researching the best way to fold a fitted sheet. That’s the level of dedication he brings to everything, including avoiding this speech.”
- “The groom is the type of person who saves money by cutting his own hair, then spends twice as much getting it fixed. That’s basically his approach to everything.”
- “[Groom’s name] told me he knew [Bride’s name] was the one when she laughed at his jokes. I’m still waiting for someone with that low of standards.”
- “I’ve known [Groom’s name] since college, where his idea of fine dining was adding hot sauce to ramen. [Bride’s name] has clearly been a good influence—now he uses two packets.”
Celebrating the Bride (Without Being Weird)
Complimenting the bride in your speech is essential, but it’s a minefield if you’re not careful. These lines strike the right balance between genuine appreciation and appropriate humor.
- “[Bride’s name] is absolutely stunning today, but more importantly, she’s the only person who can make [Groom’s name] do the dishes without threatening divorce.”
- “I have to say, [Bride’s name], you look incredible today. You’ve also somehow made [Groom’s name] look like he belongs in that tux instead of a Halloween costume.”
- “[Bride’s name] is not just beautiful and intelligent—she’s also the reason [Groom’s name] finally learned what fabric softener is for.”
- “I knew [Bride’s name] was special when [Groom’s name] started using actual plates instead of eating cereal out of mixing bowls.”
- “[Bride’s name], you’ve accomplished something I thought was impossible—you made [Groom’s name] voluntarily go to social events.”
- “The bride is clearly the brains of this operation, which explains why [Groom’s name] suddenly knows things like thread count and the difference between beige and taupe.”
- “[Bride’s name] has the patience of a saint, the wisdom of a scholar, and the tolerance of someone who willingly chose to spend her life with [Groom’s name].”
- “I’ve never seen [Groom’s name] happier than when he’s with [Bride’s name], probably because she’s the first person who laughs at his dad jokes on purpose.”
- “[Bride’s name], thank you for taking [Groom’s name] off our hands. We love him, but his fantasy football commentary was getting out of control.”
- “The bride has impeccable taste—except for that one questionable decision, but we’re all here celebrating it today.”
Self-Deprecating Humor That Works
Sometimes the best way to get laughs is to make yourself the target. These lines work because they show you don’t take yourself too seriously while keeping the focus light and fun.
- “I’m not saying I’m bad at relationships, but my longest commitment has been to my Netflix subscription.”
- “[Groom’s name] asked me to be his best man because I make him look good by comparison, which is really the foundation of our entire friendship.”
- “I’m the perfect choice for best man because I’m too single to upstage anyone and too broke to run away with the bride.”
- “My dating life is so tragic that [Groom’s name] and [Bride’s name] set up a GoFundMe for my social skills.”
- “I’m honored to stand here today as the best man, mainly because ‘least likely to ruin everything’ doesn’t sound as good on the wedding program.”
- “They say you can judge a man by the company he keeps, which explains why [Groom’s name] looks so good standing next to me.”
- “I’ve been [Groom’s name]’s wingman for years, and my success rate explains why I’m still single and he’s getting married.”
- “I’m living proof that [Groom’s name] has terrible judgment in friends, which makes his choice in wives even more impressive.”
- “My role today is to make [Groom’s name] feel confident about his life choices, starting with his decision to trust me with this speech.”
- “I’m basically here as a cautionary tale—this is what happens when you don’t find someone to marry you by 30.”
Marriage Advice (From Someone Who Shouldn’t Give It)
The irony of single best men giving marriage advice is comedy gold. These lines acknowledge the absurdity while still managing to sneak in some actual wisdom.
- “As a single man, I’m clearly qualified to give marriage advice, just like how I’m qualified to perform brain surgery because I watch Grey’s Anatomy.”
- “My advice for a happy marriage: remember that you’re a team, communicate openly, and hide the credit card statements.”
- “The secret to a lasting marriage is finding someone who loves you despite your flaws, or at least someone who finds your flaws amusing.”
- “Marriage is like a deck of cards—it starts with hearts and diamonds, but eventually you’re looking for a club and a spade.”
- “They say marriage is about compromise, which explains why [Groom’s name] gets to keep his video games and [Bride’s name] gets to hide the controllers.”
- “The key to marriage is saying ‘yes, dear’ and ‘you’re absolutely right’ in a variety of convincing ways.”
- “Remember, in marriage you become one person. The question is: which one of you disappears?”
- “Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy, and honestly, that sounds like the best kind of war to me.”
- “My advice: never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge like a mature adult.”
- “The secret to a happy marriage is a sense of humor, because if you can’t laugh at each other, you’ll end up crying.”
Closing Lines That Stick the Landing
Your ending needs to bring everyone back together after the laughs, transitioning smoothly into the toast. These closers strike the right balance between humor and heart.
- “In conclusion, [Groom’s name] and [Bride’s name], may your love story be everything you’ve dreamed of, and may your WiFi never go down during an argument.”
- “So let’s raise our glasses to [Groom’s name] and [Bride’s name]—may your marriage be everything your Facebook posts make it seem.”
- “Here’s to love, laughter, and happily ever after—and to [Groom’s name] finally finding someone who thinks his snoring is ‘adorable.'”
- “May your love be as endless as [Groom’s name]’s stories about his college glory days, and may [Bride’s name] continue to pretend they’re interesting.”
- “To [Groom’s name] and [Bride’s name]: may you always find reasons to laugh together, especially when one of you is assembling IKEA furniture.”
- “Let’s toast to the happy couple—may your marriage be like a good wine: aged to perfection and getting better with time, not giving you headaches.”
- “Here’s to [Groom’s name] and [Bride’s name]: may your love story have more plot twists than a soap opera, but with better dialogue and fewer evil twins.”
- “To the bride and groom: may your marriage be filled with love, laughter, and just enough chaos to keep things interesting.”
- “So please join me in raising a glass to [Groom’s name] and [Bride’s name]—may they live happily ever after, or at least until the honeymoon photos are developed.”
- “Here’s to love conquering all—including [Groom’s name]’s cooking, [Bride’s name]’s driving, and my public speaking skills.”
Bonus Rapid-Fire One-Liners
Sometimes you need a quick joke to fill a pause or recover from a line that didn’t land quite right. Keep a few of these in your back pocket.
- “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, then you wake up.”
- “I’m not saying [Groom’s name] is cheap, but he proposed with a Ring Pop.”
- “Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”
- “[Groom’s name] finally found someone who loves him unconditionally. The rest of us still have conditions.”
- “They’re perfect for each other—they both think the other one is settling.”
- “Marriage: the only sport where the spectators get drunk and the players get sober.”
- “[Groom’s name] is proof that there’s someone for everyone, which gives the rest of us hope.”
- “Today, two become one, which is great for taxes but terrible for bathroom schedules.”
- “Love means never having to say you’re sorry—marriage means saying it constantly.”
- “Congratulations on finding your person, [Groom’s name]. The rest of us are still looking for our Wi-Fi password.”
The best one-liners feel effortless, but they’re actually carefully chosen for your specific audience and relationship with the couple. Practice your timing, read the room, and remember that confidence sells even mediocre jokes.
Most importantly, make sure your humor comes from a place of love—because at the end of the day, that’s what everyone’s really there to celebrate.
