Sometimes, there comes a point in any marriage where things come to an impasse. Conversely, there are times wherein everything is going well. Regardless, it is always good to work on improving your relationship to ensure that it is secure and healthy.
No matter how close you and your spouse are, you can’t read each other’s minds. With that said, you can ask them questions to figure out how your marriage can be improved. There are three broad categories of questions you can choose from: how to improve as a spouse; how to reconnect with your spouse; and how to bring something new into the marriage.
Listed below are 80 questions you can ask to improve your marriage, along with tips to keep in mind as you initiate conversations of this nature. The foundations of a strong marriage are briefly discussed as well. Additionally, other ways to work on your relationship are given.
Questions You Need to Ask to Improve Your Marriage
Questions to Know How You Can Improve as a Spouse
First and foremost, it is important to acknowledge that you are doing your best as a partner. However, there will be points in your marriage where there are certain aspects that need to be altered, modified, or improved to ensure a strong and healthy relationship. Listed below are 30 questions that will help you determine the specific aspects of your marriage that need to be worked on.
- Is there anything you wish that I would do differently as your partner?
- Is there anything you wish that I would do differently as a parent?
- Do you think I show you how much I love you enough?
- What is your love language?
- What are some things I can do to better show you my love?
- Is our parenting system still healthy and effective?
- Do you want to renegotiate or reevaluate the way we distribute responsibilities?
- Have I recently done anything to hurt your feelings?
- How can I help you cope better with challenges that come our way?
- Do you think I rely on you too much?
- Is there something I do that you wish I would do more?
- What is your way of showing me your love that I perhaps do not realize?
- What needs does our marriage have that need to be better handled?
- Do you feel as if our emotional connection has diminished over the years?
- Do you think our intimacy needs to be worked on?
- Is there something you need my help with right now?
- What are the strengths and weaknesses that I bring to our marriage?
- Do you think we spend too little, just enough, or too much time together?
- What can we do to improve as a team?
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me as a partner and as a parent? What would help my current score improve?
- How has our marriage changed over the past few years?
- Do you think our marriage has changed for the better or worse?
- Do you feel safe talking to me about uncomfortable topics?
- How do I make you feel more comfortable talking about serious topics?
- Am I supportive or encouraging enough in your endeavors?
- Is there anything you wish that I would ask you more frequently?
- Do I make you feel respected, honored, and appreciated?
- Is there anything I do that causes tension or makes you feel isolated?
- In what ways can I better handle and resolve conflicts between us?
- Do you feel secure in our relationship?
Questions to Reconnect with Your Spouse
Relationships are not always smooth sailing; there are ups and downs, tears and laughter, and victories and losses. Marriage is a commitment to your partner that you will weather out whatever challenges come your way. Here are 32 questions that can help you reconnect with your partner in times of disconnect.
- What is the physical feature you love most about me?
- Which trait of mine do you love most?
- Is there any part of yourself that you wish were different?
- If you had three wishes from a genie, what would you use those wishes on?
- If you have the opportunity to have a new career, what would you choose?
- When you hear the word “retirement,” what do you picture?
- Where do you see our marriage in five years?
- Where do you see our marriage in 10 years?
- What motto do you live by?
- Which TV show or movie character do you relate to the most?
- If a biography or movie were to be made about you, what would its title be and which actor would play your part?
- What is your favorite part of the day?
- Do I have a hobby or quirk that you find annoying?
- How would you describe our relationship using only three words?
- If given the chance, what aspects of our wedding day would you change?
- When did you first realize you were in love with me?
- When did you realize you wanted to marry me?
- What is your favorite part about being married?
- As a kid, did you have any fantasies or visions about how your wedding would go?
- What makes you the most excited for the future?
- What topics are off-limits for jokes and ribs?
- If someone invested in you to start a business, what would your business be about?
- What are some of the things you are most thankful for?
- Between your parents, which of them do you think you’re most like?
- What is one thing you will never tolerate from me or anyone else?
- What have you learned in previous relationships that helped you become a better partner?
- What makes you feel proud of yourself?
- How is your relationship with your family currently?
- How is your relationship with my side of the family currently?
- What is something you never meant to do but worked out well for you in the end anyway?
- What is your favorite memory from our relationship before we got married?
- Growing up, which public figure did you most look up to?
Questions to Bring Something New into the Marriage
In married life, you and your partner will inevitably settle into habits and routines. Part of keeping any relationship healthy is doing something different and having some fun every once in a while. Here are 18 questions to see what new adventure you can bring to the table.
- If we were to get matching tattoos, what design would you propose?
- Do you have anything new you want to try in bed?
- Do you have something you wish we did differently in bed?
- What item on your bucket list do you want to check off the most?
- Is there a home renovation or remodeling project you want to start?
- Would you like to go on a cross-country road trip?
- Do you want to have dinner in that newly opened restaurant in town?
- Is there a tradition from your childhood or your culture that you want to integrate into our lives?
- Is there a new activity or hobby that you want to try together?
- Do you think we should adopt a pet?
- Do you think it’s time for us to move to a new home?
- Do you want to renew our vows?
- If we had an entire week off to do anything we want and go wherever we want, what would our itinerary look like?
- Do you have an idea for a date that we haven’t tried yet?
- Do you want to hold another type of wedding ceremony?
- Are there any goals you want to set for our marriage?
- For you, what do you think would bring more excitement into our marriage?
- Is there any achievement or milestone you want to splurge on a celebration for?
Tips to Keep in Mind
Pay Attention to Your Spouse
As much as possible, turn your smartphones off and pay attention to each other as you talk. Only look at your phone when necessary, such as referring to a list of questions like those above. Instead, listen to what they are saying and look into their eyes.
Find a Quiet and Comfortable Place
Asking these questions in a quiet and comfortable place ascertains that you will not be disturbed or distracted by external stimuli. Moreover, the privacy this kind of place affords will make you and your spouse feel more comfortable talking about sensitive topics. With that said, your bedroom is an ideal location.
The purpose of these questions is to gauge how you and your spouse can improve your marriage. By opening up and honestly talking about your thoughts and experiences, you are being vulnerable — as a result, not only will you come closer to determining what exactly your marriage needs to be worked on, but you will also become closer as a couple.
Do Not Rush Through the Questions
It is generally recommended not to finish these questions in one go. For starters, it can be emotionally and physically exhausting to talk that much. Moreover, by rushing through the questions, you are not giving yourself ample time to ponder, discuss, and process the answers.
Set a pace that works well for you. This can mean a few questions each night, several questions every couple of days, or one question a week.
Do Not be Defensive
Consequently, you must not act defensive against what your spouse is saying. This is counterproductive and can only worsen the issue. Instead, listen to them with an open mind. It is important to remember that these are their experiences, not necessarily yours, and by acting defensive, you are possibly invalidating them.
Take Accountability and Apologize
During these conversations, you might be made aware of how you hurt your partner unintentionally, or you might make some realizations yourself. Instead of being defensive or denying it, take accountability for your actions and apologize for what you did. This can help your spouse heal from what hurt them.
Ask Sensible Follow-Ups
You may want your partner to expound on something that they mentioned while they were talking. Not only will this give you more clarity, but this will also show that you are listening attentively. Make sure that these follow-ups do not steer the conversation in an entirely different direction, but instead deepen your understanding of the topic at hand.
Think it Through
Instead of responding rashly or impulsively, especially about something that you need to process, let your partner know that you will take some time to reflect and think about it. You can end the conversation for a moment, take a walk or make some tea, and come back to it when you are ready. This saves both of you from saying something hurtful or something you do not truly mean.
Remember What This is About
You are not asking these questions or listening to the answers for the sake of it — you are trying to improve your marriage. Do not go into conversations like this just to say that you did it; you have to genuinely care. Engaging in discussions of this nature but being untruthful or disingenuous is highly counterproductive.
Foundations of a Strong Marriage
Aside from those already listed above, you can come up with questions to improve your marriage. This process will be easier if you are aware of what the foundations of a strong and healthy marriage are. This is because you have an idea of what aspect of the marriage you and your partner might need to work on to feel more secure.
Love and Commitment
As mentioned earlier, marriage is a commitment to love each other during times of peace and trouble and to help one another overcome challenges. The amount of love and willingness to nurture and honor this commitment influences how strong a relationship is.
As marriage is a partnership, you and your spouse have to be constantly communicating with each other — this means not only answering and listening but also understanding and respecting. Asking these questions is a good place to start as you work on improving your relationship with your spouse.
The nature of some of these questions is sensitive, in that some negative or touchy answers might come up. It is essential that you partake in communication of any kind with an open mind to observations, constructive criticism, and suggestions.
Honesty and Trust
Answering these questions untruthfully will not work in your favor — it may even inflict damage to your relationship. For one, pressing concerns and issues in your marriage may get disregarded or misconstrued, which can only worsen them.
Instead, you must trust that whatever you say, your partner will receive it with openness and a willingness to address such concerns and issues. With that said, you must make sure that your partner knows that they can trust you to do the same as well.
Intimacy manifests itself in physical and emotional ways; intimacy itself is a manifestation of love, commitment, communication, openness, honesty, and trust, in a relationship. Married couples who are in tune with each other’s needs, whether it be physical or emotional, tend to be more secure in their relationship.
Anything in shortage or excess is not a good thing; there must be a balance. This is especially true in marriages. You and your spouse need to put in the same amount of work, passion, and commitment into making your marriage work. This extends to other aspects of your partnership, such as housework, parenting, and so on.
Other Ways to Work on Your Relationship with Your Spouse
Speak Their Love Language
Every person has a different response to different ways of affirming love. The way they prefer to be affirmed is called their love language. There are five main types of love languages:
- Words of affirmation – spoken or written expressions of love, appreciation, and care. This includes love letters, romantic notes, poetry, and the simple utterance of “I love you.”
- Acts of service – gestures and actions that show love and support. Examples include cooking meals for them, running errands, organizing their workspace, and so on.
- Physical touch – expressions of love through bodily means, such as holding their hand, hugging, cuddling, and kissing.
- Quality time – any time spent with each other doing something. This includes reading together, playing games, having a movie marathon, and studying together.
- Receiving gifts – presents show that you are thinking of them and that you took some time out of your day to buy something that you know they would love and appreciate.
By learning which of these five love languages your spouse best responds to, you can start doing it more and implementing it into your routine. This way, they are consistently reminded of how much you love and cherish them.
Having a Life Outside of Your Marriage
Marriage will heavily influence a large part of your daily life and choices. With that said, you must set aside some time for yourself — after all, you are an individual, and you are allowed to have needs, friends, and activities that do not revolve around your marriage. As mentioned earlier, balance is significant in a commitment: as much as you devote time for your spouse and family, there should still be time for yourself to just be you.
For religious and faithful couples, the act itself of praying together is a way to bond and reconnect. Moreover, by praying together, you and your spouse are in solidarity; together, you acknowledge that your marriage needs some work and that, with the guidance of your beliefs, you will work in tandem.
Reaching out for Professional Help
There is no shame in acknowledging that sometimes, resolving an issue requires help from a licensed professional. It does not mean that you and your spouse are weak and incapable of fixing it on your own; rather, it means that you are willing and strong enough to put in whatever work it takes to improve your marriage.
Asking your spouse questions regarding how your marriage can be improved is essential to the healthiness and strength of your relationship. Only through frank and sincere discussions can you pinpoint specific aspects of your marriage that need to be worked on to make it more long-lasting.